The Missing

If I were to
Pry open her dead doll-mouth,
Nothing but abandoned church bells would greet me in her dark, and a
Thousand silk moth specters would pour out, 
Drop into my hands;
Two platters too pink with greed.

They sink into silence as my eyes
Roll back into another dream, the
One where
She comes to me in monarch butterflies
All the time –

I want to be her.
I told her this in the mirror; a Thanksgiving miracle
Wrenched away from a could-be.

Look how much me is
Festering like that turkey.

Swelling into song,
Look how eagerly I
Wait to be carved up; at least then I can
Pretend to be part of someone else, and
For once, someone would let me know every inch of their body.

I guess all I want is to be trusted.

But
My fingers clank clumsily, and
My eyes find monsters; see how
I fumble into foul calls perpetually? See how
Careless I can be without even trying?

There’s nothing in the dark
That isn’t there when the lights are on.

But that doesn’t explain the Empty
That swerves so cleverly
To avoid all the bright;
It only breeds at night,
When I’m most hungry, when I
Collapse myself
Onto that beige table
For an invisible feast while everybody I know
Sleeps; I try so hard to
Stab and eat the best parts of myself, the prettiest parts that everyone envies

But Empty says,
“You do not deserve to eat tonight” and
Snatches away the fork, the knife; and these days
My fingers are
crooked and     rent like a

shipwreck

sinking into that deep blue 

I know way too well.

And now
I am forever dealing with the feeling of contorting my bones;
Ignoring the ache, and
Learning way too late:

Bones cannot bend, they can only
break –

***

Stepy Kamei's work has appeared in journals including Gyroscope Review, FIVE:2:ONE Magazine, and Calamus Journal. In addition to writing, she frequently performs in interactive and globally-accessible theater productions. More details about her upcoming work as a performer, including a radio play adaptation of the novella Carmilla, in which she plays the title character; as well as an interactive phone experience in which she will play famed poet Sylvia Plath, can be found on Instagram.